Making It Real...Setting and Achieving Goals (Even in Wink, TX)

I read a book recently that stated this: "The most successful people have their goals written down, and they review them every single day." For some reason, I just don't believe that. Sure, I think you should write down your goals, give yourself a purpose and something to shoot for, but come on...you're that forgetful that you'd actually have to look at them every single day? I think not.

Scribing your goals to paper does two things: You're making a commitment and you'll be more in tune when opportunities come along that help you achieve your goal. There's no mystery...no fortuitous blessing...no ancient secret passed down through the generations; just good old common sense.

Recently one of my friends in Wink, Texas inquired about 2012. "Is the world really coming to an end?" I'm exhausted with this, and since I'm a preacher's daughter...people assume that I have the in. I responded that it is only the end of the Mayan Calendar, that I'm sure someone in America is brilliant enough to create a calendar that proceeds past Dec. 21, 2012. In fact, I believe the calendar in my kitchen extends to the year 2014...I assured her that we were all safe.

I mentioned the 2012 thing because there are a few people in Wink that I know who are actually buying into the notion that the world will end in 2012. They've cashed in their retirements and are going willy nilly. I asked, "What if it's not the end?" Their response, "Oh, but I have to have faith that it will be the end." It's too bad that they're not willing to have faith in the continuance of life.

I'm going to assign these 2012 doom predictors as toxic people. They're surely negative, expecting the worst to happen...truly fatalistic. As for me...I will continue to push forward with my goals. I made several down here in little ole Wink, TX. I concentrated on two aspects: Physical and Career. My first was to be in the best physical shape of my adult life by the time I turn 40 (that's in about 3 months). My second goal was to figure out what I wanted to pursue a master's in and then get after it.

I'm well on my way to accomplishing both goals. Next time, I'll let you in on the test I've made to prove that these goals were truly mine and worthy. Some of your goals won't pass this test, and that's okay...what that reveals is they weren't your goals...they were expectations that others had of you.

Coming Back to Wink Doesn't Mean the End of My Dreams

When I moved back to Wink in 2001, someone blithely stated to me, "Well, I guess you couldn't handle the real world...you must not have any more dreams."

I examined that statement, and clearly this person didn't know anything about me. I hadn't failed in the "real" world and I surely hadn't ceased dreaming. I thought about the many adventures, good and bad, of my life and a smile spread across my face. In my life existed an abundance of wonderful places, people and events, so much so that I felt fortunate.

Rocked a dying baby in Belize to bring him comfort...he gave me empathy and compassion. Managed the International Friends Show in Houston...caught a glimpse into other cultures and peoples. Rafted down the Hiwasee River in Tennessee...gained a release from my fears. Sang my heart out in the musical Hair in New Orleans...willed myself a permanent escape from my inhibitions. There are so many more people, places and events that they are too many to enumerate.

It doesn't matter where you are or where you've been...you can dream a bigger dream. Your vision will ignite you with passion, infuse you with purpose, renew your commitment and motivate you to action.

The Pygmalion Effect

My Fair Lady, a truly wonderful musical second to Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, has a quote from Eliza that stirs my soul. She makes this comment to Pickering, the professor's friend: "You see, really and truly, apart from the things anyone can pick up (the dressing and the proper way of speaking, and so on), the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she's treated. I shall always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treat me as a flower girl, and always will; but I know I can be a lady to you, because you always treat me as a lady, and always will."

I touched on this phenomenon just the other day. Countless times each day we communicate our expectations to the people around us. I know that without realizing it, I've sent cues to others about what I expect from them. I think I got real messed up when I had started listening to this talk show on my way to and from work everyday. I listened to Dr. Laura and took to heart what she said about everything. She basically said we have no way of changing anyone around us. For the most part that's true, but her fatal flaw in her prescription was also stating that we just have to accept the behavior if we want to continue to have a relationship with these people. I disagree.

I believe that our expectations can shape behavior, if this weren't the case, wouldn't we just all let our kids do whatever they want? I mean, we do have expectations and we give our children feedback. Why not do this with the adults in our lives as well? Sometimes putting the expectations out there may end the relationship, and that's probably a good thing.

Just recently, a person in my life changed some travel plans which caused hers to overlap with mine and thus not allowing my child to participate in her planned activity. The same thing happened last year and I was forced to choose instead of being able to participate in both events. I had a feeling that the same thing might happen again. So, I should have said when I found out about her trip and when it was planned; "Okay, you told me you're leaving on this date. I've marked it on the calendar. I'm planning my own trip on this date. You know when it is and when I'm coming back. If you change your date, and it interferes with my plans, please don't get upset and demand that I change the date of my trip or cut my trip short."

Then I began to wonder if, because I expected the possibility of a repeat performance...did I cause her to behave this way? Did my poor communication with this person lock her into poor performance? I truly believe that our expectations gets us exactly what we get. That's something to ponder...

A Flower Garden Takes Time to Grow and So Must Seeds of Hope

When I lived in Colorado the climate was perfect for Spring flowers. I truly desired an enormous flower garden with fountains, butterflies and splashes of color. Now that I live in a harsh dry environment, it's nearly impossible to grow anything supple and vibrant with color. It takes a lot of patience, constant care and hope.

Seeds, with tender care and nourishment will grow into wonderful flowers. Our lives are just like those seeds, they need to be nurtured and cared for. Words can be used to build, to empower, to protect, to promote and to prosper, but words can also cripple and destroy us and others. It's not enough to just stop being negative, we also should try to be positive.

I used to think that being abrupt and blunt, was just straightforward honesty. I appreciated the frankness and refreshing truthfulness in some people. Sometimes, I find it extremely difficult to remain positive and to respond in a polite manner. Imagine though, that every word is a seed that will produce what it is. Seeds of hope, produce hope. Seeds of discouragement, produce discouragement.

I remember things that were hurtfully spoken to me as a child. Although it's been many years ago, those words still tug at my heart and make me feel a bit of a twinge. Words do have a tremendous amount of power that work beyond the first time they are spoken. I haven't always been successful in speaking kind words, sometimes I've been hurtful with my words also. I've adopted a principle that I truly try to follow:

Never say anything about yourself or another that you do not sincerely want to be true. Speak life and hope.

Sometimes we accidentally reinforce what is negative or ineffective in another person. I recently had a slight tiff with a person in my life. Experience with this person has taught me to expect bad behavior. I've been using the direct approach and being calm and rational, but have I been reinforcing this person's bad behavior? How can I reinforce the behavior I want? Maybe my script to deal with this person should of went something more like this:

"I understand you're disappointed with my choice, but I know that you love me and wouldn't intentionally try to hurt me or my family. Just like you know the things that I do aren't intended to hurt you. I'm sure that your change in plans weren't done with the purpose of overlapping with mine, but they have. Maybe in the future you could prepare ahead of time so that our plans don't interfere with each other. That way my children can participate in the activities you have planned."

Toxic Alliances in Wink Texas

Sometimes we must end relationships that are toxic or dangerous which can be very painful and difficult. Staying in a toxic relationship can derail you, paralyze you, rob your integrity and even your happiness.

We don't choose to align ourselves with toxic people on purpose, but at times we passively accept their behavior. Which means we endorse it by default.

There are basically two groups of people in this world, those who give us encouragement and those who suck the life right out of us! We can have bad days where normally we would be uplifting and encouraging, but find ourselves struggling just to smile, so that doesn't count. These life draining people; I've read about and have experienced first hand. In of my readings, I found that they were called physic vampires.

At work these people look like this: "argue incessantly, debate trivial points, gossip, terrorize meetings, whine, draw others into negative conversations and manage the rumor mill"

In life these people look like this: "criticize, attack, divide, they insinuate things and then leave you wondering, they love exposing your weaknesses to the world, they use sarcasm, twist the truth and cross the line of integrity"

Ask yourself these questions to see if you may be involved in a toxic relationship:

1. Is there anyone planting negative, critical beliefs into your life right now? When you are with this person, how do you feel?

2. Is there a relationship in your life that is pulling you backward, blocking your growth, and undermining your progress? What is that costing you?

3. Is there a relationship marked by broken trust, unresolved conflict, and destructive communication? How much of your strength are you giving to this?

4. Is there someone in your life who compromises your boundaries or ethics? What impact is that having?

5. Are there behaviors you are passively endorsing to avoid conflict? What do you risk with your silence?

Sometimes I held onto toxic relationships because I got something from it. You're wondering what could I have gotten? In one instance my grievances were validated. Another time I stuck around because of loyalty. I didn't want to abandon or hurt this person so I stayed. I only became weaker. A big mistake is to try and diagnose their problem...don't do it! You'll get sucked into their weird dysfunction!

Next post, I'll show you the scripts and ground rules I've created in order to deal with some of the toxic relationships that were in my life. These rules and scripts are new for me, I've only worked with them for a few months, but it has changed my life!