Okay, it's time to identify and confront my feelings of rejection. This is a learning process that will happen over time. When I feel rejected, I need to notice the trends and recognize the events that trigger those feelings.
Let me give you an example. Believe it or not, I haven't dated anyone, and I mean not even a wink (ha ha) in 3 1/2 years. I chose not to date because I went through a nine year marriage in which my husband was and still is an addict. You already know about the affair, so...it would be very easy for me to develop an acute toxicity to trust. A friend of mine just pointed out to me, that I've been an enabler for those 9 years...which basically means that I was a very kind door mat. I got extremely worn out and dirty...and felt like I needed to be thrown away.
Right before Christmas, I entered into a long distance relationship with a man. Really nice guy, seemed secure...and It should have been everything I ever wanted. There were some immediate problems: 1. We lived almost 7 hours apart. 2. I don't trust.
It was very nice in the beginning, except...I became extremely frightened with the prospect...that yes, I...was about to fall in love. OH NO! That's supposed to be good, but I've learned the wrong lessons and well, I'm just a big huge freaking mess!!!
I actually misrepresented a couple of things, trying to push him away. DING,DING,DING...that's right Self-rejection!!! Okay, got past that, told the truth...made up and continued on. We were supposed to meet during spring break, I chickened out; I was worried he wouldn't like the way I looked. DING,DING,DING...self rejection. Then a little later on, it seemed like he was backing off (Really, can you blame him?) and I became suspicious that maybe he was seeing someone. DING,DING,DING...you guessed it.
He has ultimately rejected me and not because he didn't like me, or find me attractive...it's because I rejected myself. Take a look at past relationships and experiences, whether it was a job interview, a friendship or a lover, where you experienced rejection. Did you cause it like I did? Were you actually rejected because you weren't a perfect fit?
Self-rejection is a poison that must be extracted. It stems from low confidence and self-esteem. Next time I'll look at the source and confront it. Until then, to thine own self be true.