Friday, April 10, 2009

Where Is Your God?

2008, my year of all time lows caused me to question my entire belief system. I decided that I had finally had enough of everything. All through my tumultuous marriage, I prayed. Pleaded for God to save my marriage, change my husband's heart and restore my soul. My prayers went unanswered and I began to question the very existence of God.

As anger and disillusionment settled in, I stopped talking to my God. I experienced a feeling of total aloneness. Although I found myself in crowds of people, a home with children, classroom full of students...I was alone. At first, I thought this was genuinely because I no longer had a significant other. I hardened my heart, put up the walls and refused to care. Cynicism became my calling card, a card that had always been foreign to me.

The ache grew, splintered and infected every aspect of my life. My psyche, body, home and friendships withered. The roots of discontent reached deep within and bundled together into a rigid, stony mass. I can't even begin to describe the awful things I did and thought. All these events brought me to a place in my life where I reached out for God one more time, but it wasn't to save was to end me. On November 26, 2008, in the darkness of my cold heart, I stretched out my arms to heaven and stated simply: I'm done.

"Please, God...I can't do it anymore, I'm tired, exhausted. I've ruined my life, destroyed my dreams and I just can't go on...please take me...end my feeble existence."

He didn't answer that prayer either...or that's what I thought.

A week before Christmas, a person from my past, 20 years ago...reentered my life. You may not find this amazing, but you see...I had no facebook account, no myspace account, no published phone number...I was completely hidden. This person has mysteriously appeared at other times in my life, at the end of relationships...pivotal points in my life.

I'd love to be able to tell you that all the stars in heaven are shining brightly...but you see, I was still holding onto my pain, my aloneness, my inability to trust, all of my fears. I'd love to tell you that we've worked it all out, but I can't...all I can tell you is that I have hope, and that my a great beginning.

No comments: